Starting over.

This post is to make clear events that have happened recently, and so that people hear it from me first, and hear the whole story.


Saturday night, I was sent to the hospital emergency room due to alcohol intoxication.

My apartment was having a dinner party, and someone brought Fireball whiskey. Which was my favorite. Until I had way too much and started throwing up. Not just a little bit, for hours. It was the worst time of my life, it was excruciatingly painful and I imagine that's what death might feel like. I had so much, that even when I had emptied my stomach, I kept dry-heaving, my body trying to rid myself of the alcohol. My mommy was trying to give me liquid through an eye-dropper, but it caused me to retch even more. I couldn't stop.

On top of all of this- and this is killing me to admit- I was on a really bad edible high as well. A few hours earlier, I had taken a chocolate with marijuana someone had gave me. It wasn't right, though. I have gotten high before, but this was wrong. It was terrifying. Being sick to the point were I can't even breathe and my mind is spinning is the scariest thing.

I hardly remember anything. I remember throwing up, my wonderful neighbor holding me and comforting me, and my mom and dad being there. I don't remember going to the hospital, them giving me medicine or checking me in. I don't even know what the doctors and nurses look like. All I remember is the IV in my arm and them calling my friend, because I really wanted to talk to him. As a glimpse how bad this really was, I told the nurse I wanted to hurt myself, and my friend said I was shrieking in the phone background.

I'm still so scared. If it wasn't for having a couple people present and the medicine that make the dry-heaves stop, I doubt I would of make the night. They gave me two bags of fluid in night I was there. It's surreal thinking how bad this situation was.

It was a reality-check. I'm still in pain, my ribs feel ripped apart. My stomach muscles hurt insanely bad, and I'm incredibly sensitive to foods and senses. The drugs are still in my system, I'm still weak from being so dehydrated. My head is fuzzy and it's hard to focus without wanting to zone-out.

So, I'm saying this because I'm in a very, open, vulnerable time in life. This is the hardest part to admit-

I need help.

Prayers, positive thoughts, whatever you find suitable. I need hugs, kisses, love, something. Depending on other people is not my thing, and all of this is very humbling. Asking you, my friends, lovers, family, for this kills me. But I need to learn I can't do this alone.

Thank you for reading.

Time's change.

Revolution in self,
a change to hastily, but carefully proclaim.
Time has come,
If I don't change
It's time ticking,
a clocking running, slowing pace,
eventually I'll get stuck in place.

Getting caught up inside my head,
running,
around in maddening circles.
Bottling it up does nothing but build pressure,
popping the top,
might upset my blood flow.

See, I've got demons inside.
Growing, throbbing, alive.
Stretching rugged wings inside my ribs,
sharpening claws along my spine.
Physical pain doubles when spirits
run across my bones like playgrounds.

There's another spirit inside, a small space it takes.
Caged, patient, aching.
For that Revolution of self to light on fire.
Ready to fight, thru the spirit,
my demons won't survive a night.
In it, provided is the power to overcome,
challenge,
obtain the world.

Unleashing, unlocking, releasing the cage,
like tidal waves my spirit is swept away
by cooling waters to our souls.
Unquenchable thirst is finally satisfied.

Ignite the fire, boil the water.
Lion inside, come alive.
Screaming demons,
Welcome to The Revolution.

My flaws are numerous,
these things I'm working on,
but wounds need to be stitches,
ribs taped,
spine re-chorded
Recovery is a painful process,
working thru will only strengthen.

It's time to get out of my mind,
Insanity is next my step in generation,
But I will fight.
Let these words on ink-soaked paper,
keep my mind open
thoughts flowing.

This is my flood,
my demons cannot swim.
Timidity is no way to live.
Strong spirit, will- unbreakable.

Time for change is now.
Begin, The Revolution,

Courageous as a lion.

Courageous by definition means,
"Not deterred by danger or pain."
Or bold, gallant, brave.
In my heart, none of these are contained.

Lions are the depiction of brave,
People say,
"He's got a lions heart."
"They're as courageous as a lion."

I'd like to think I have a lions heart,
Danger might be something I seek,
But something my human heart knows too well is pain.

Pains of hunger,
The sting of being broken.
Bleeding from the cuts of life.

Courageous?
Not in the least.

Even though I am hardly courageous,
Nary even brave,
My lion is as big as they come.
As I weep,
In treads the Lion of Judah's tribe.

Strutting in golden fur,
paws as strong as they are deadly.
Tossing His mane,
as our enemies run-
Afraid.
Running away before the King.

By those paws and mighty jaws,
eyes as fierce as fire,
enemies are crushed.
Opening His mouth
in the sound of His lambs cries,
He lets out a glorious roar.

My heart stops beating in a whisper, but this voice brings me back to life, a sound of resounding triumph.

Courageous?
Not I, but He.

Bad. ;)

Sometimes we read things, such as magazines, Facebook status's, twitter updates, or heck, even blogs, and we think, "Wow, they've really got their life together!" It's not true. And I'm writing this right now to prove that.

Why?

Because right now, I want to be bad. Don't even deny it, 'cause we've all felt that way! Not like murder-someone-bad, obviously, but just have some fun bad. Go to a party, drink a little bit, dance... Stuff like that. Now, that's totally not my style. There's just this incredible urge to do it! And it's bad. Horrible, even.

Why?

Because it would hurt. I'm lonely, and I will tell you there is nothing more delicious than a man's kiss. What a horrible way to fill in loneliness. Even though I'm single and could do that stuff, I'm still in love. How awful would it be to say, "Hey, babe! I'm not with you right now, so I'm gonna go around with some other guys!" It would hurt an amazing guy, by making him think all the things I said was a lie, and that he's not worth waiting for.

Drinking is fun, too. Having that fuzzy warm feeling that alcohol gives you is nice, having a buzz is even more fun. It's a dangerous road. Testing the waters is like standing on slippery rocks on the side of a raging river, then putting a foot in. It's easy to fall.

When I was younger, my mom asked my older brother and I a question. She said that if there was a fence, and that fence was separating us from something that would kill us, what would we do? My brother has always been wise beyond his years, and said he would stay away from the fence. Me? I'm the rebellious one. I said I would go peek and see what it was. That's proven all my life. Honesty, I can tell you that all the "bad" stuff is fun as hell. But flirting with danger is a bad idea.

There's something thousands of times more fun, and that's the life Jesus has to offer. It's better than anything you could ever imagine. And though that urge to be bad is there, there is nothing in this life worth losing the people and blessings God has put in my life.

Now that I've spilled all of that, the urge is gone. So it's bedtime.

Love like a tattoo.

I've got scripture written up my arms,
These verses permanently injected in my skin.
I live and breathe the word of God,
His love is sewn into my bones.
Yet still, I live in sin.

In sin so deep I cannot swim,
These torrid currents drag me in.
Burning my eyes to make me blind,
Fill up my lungs, to never scream again.
To leave nothing but my memory behind.

But something drags me out again
A Mighty hand full of power and life to lend.
Pulls me out of the deadly waters,
Pulls me out of the depths, no matter what length.

When I am finally dead and gone, to see the Wonderful God attached to that hand,
I hope to leave every family with a memory of how deep the Love of Words can mean,
When they read the verses injected in my skin.

Crazy, love.

Crazy how love changes everything. Your perspective on life, things and people. It's a feeling that nothing else can re-create, and only God can duplicate. He loves us, so in turn, we love others. Without love we can't spread love. Without love, we would die, as empty souls. Life wouldn't be worth living without love.

But with the love of Christ, life is more than living. Feeling the love of someone who was willing to die for you, and no matter what you do in life, He'll love you anyway. It's an incredible feeling. Once you find that love, you will find yourself falling in love with Him over, and over and over again. And it's the best.

Anchors away!

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure..."

Hebrews 6:19

God has been showing me this verse over and over again the past few days. First, I opened up my sketchbook the an anchor I drew based off this verse, then I heard a song by Phil Wickham that had the same reference. The last thing that got me was this; a few months ago I tied bible verses to my chandelier over my bed because I have nightmares a lot, and one of them fell off. Picking it up, I opened it and guess what verse it was! Yup, Hebrews 6:19.
Who says God doesn't show Himself? You've just gotta look for it. This is what He is teaching me.

God is truth. Be secure in His promises! Wondering if His plans will change is worry unneeded. Our hope, (God) is IMMOVABLE. His promises and words don't change! It's just how an anchor holds firmly to the sea bed. If a ships anchor didn't hold firm, it wouldn't be doing what it's meant for. Therefore it would be a lie.

God is our anchor. Our lifeline. In times of trouble, sailor would drop anchor and wait for bad weather to pass. Same goes for life. When times are bad, God drops anchor in our hearts. It digs and embeds in our souls, giving us hope. Down where the anchor is dug, there is peace. The storm rages on the surface, but if you dig deep in yourself, you'll find God, you'll find that place of peace. And that's the place to stay.

The anchor to our souls. The unfailing hope.